*Sadly the reality for most of us is that this ‘feels’ unachievable or that we need to ‘manage’ our expectations because we do not conform to the world’s view of what a beautiful woman looks like. We have listened to every unkind thought we’ve had about ourselves, to the names we’ve called ourselves out loud & taken to heart the ‘helpful’ things our family & friends have said about our looks.

I haven’t updated my blog in a long time. But I decided to write this post today because I’d like to acknowledge the difficulty Brides to Be have in being less than perfect, especially being a curvier person when accessing bridalwear services, especially couture, designed & made to measure services like my own. I also want to talk about how we hold ourselves back & about shifting a mindset that, even knowing what I know about the power the right clothing can have on a person’s looks & confidence, I have only recently embraced myself.

As a tall, UK26 I understand the frustration with not being able to buy/try on flattering clothes that fit but also know the difficulties designers, like myself, have with funding & holding samples in all sizes for brides to try on. It is sadly simply impossible for one person, niche couture houses, like my own to invest the physical time it takes to draft, cut & make, in high quality materials, dresses in a wide range of sizes. I have to balance the working uses of the sample gowns I make for promotional needs like magazines & styled shoots (which use size UK8 models) with those of potential clients & sadly I do not have the time, resources or space to make dresses for all the dress sizes, especially corsetry which needs to fit an infinite variety of cup / back & waist sizes, as well as body lengths, etc.

So, yes. I see both sides of this size EXclusivity & see & feel the frustration too.

So acknowledging this, how do I work with the 90+% of clients who do not perfectly fit my samples? Through my own experiences, through talking to & working with a wide variety of brides of all shapes & sizes, through understanding good design, cutting, fabrics, the right silhouettes to use, proportions & the tricks of the eye to use & through conversations, understanding & empathy.

My corsets are separates & laced, so we can get UK6’s through to UK14/16’s in them enough to analyse a design & talk options & tweaks to improve the look & fit & I also have simple calico cotton mock up corsets (toiles) from past clients, in a variety of sizes, I can grab from my workroom for clients to try on.

CASE STUDY: Clients can come with other things we need to work with like body dysmorphia, medical conditions or physical disabilities.

With one client I worked around her desire to hide keloid scars from a pacemaker operation (which to anyone else were hardly noticeable but to her, were very noticeable) & the unpredictability of steroids & other medications that caused her size to fluctuate, in similar ways you may have seen that Selena Gomez’s lupus causes her dress size to change. *Fortunately for Ms Gomez, she has access to people like myself, that will make her red carpet gowns, fit & flatter her regardless of the effects of her medication.

In this client’s case the solutions were very holistic. We started by working out a way to distract from the scars by throwing shadows from pretty, 3D lace & wirework around the neckline, whilst at the same time, I Googled specialists in make-up that covers scars & encouraged her to make contact for advice so she could learn how to do this for herself & could take control over her relationship with her scars. In regards to the dress size fluctuations, we kept most of the detailing to the removable straps, in case I did have to make a second corset, we left the fittings as late as possible, I made a placket to bridge a gin the lacing (if needed) & the skirt waistband was partially elasticated to size up or down. On the day the dress fit without the need to add the placket & my client’s confidence had skyrocketed to the point that after dinner & before the dancing began, she asked me to remove the straps & went strapless for the rest of the evening. #whatscars?

I recently had a conversation with a lady who is not a dissimilar size to myself who asked if I had samples she could try. Whilst I do not have samples, I suggested instead that she could try my own corseted gowns & other ballgowns I wear, to help her see how she might look in her own gown & formulate her own design.

When it comes to my own relationship with my own body, like many women I talk to, it isn’t a particularly happy one. We like some bits, hate others & feel resigned to just being our shape & making the best of it & I will tell you that most women, regardless of size or tone, hate their upper arms – myself included (which is odd when so many wedding gown designs are sleeveless). For most of my life I have been very unkind to myself & rather hypercritical. I have, for 30 years, wholeheartedly built up women who, like me dislike something about themselves & work with them so they not only look beautiful but feel beautiful & to make them see that they deserve those things…. WHIST, ironically, not being able to do the same for myself. Or rather knowing I could do those things for myself but not feeling I was worth the effort. I know I looked good on my wedding day, I put in a lot of effort but I did not enjoy the process, was incredibly stressed & didn’t feel completely comfortable in my own skin & still don’t, I don’t think many women who truly do.

Thankfully, as I approached my 50s, an event came up that I really wanted to go to & knew I would have to make that effort. I booked my ticket to Secret Cinema’s interactive Bridgerton event in London & set about creating my character as a Parisian modiste. It was wonderful evening & I then, subsequently, met a group of people who were huge fans of Secret Cinema events & I went twice more! I made friends with theatre loving, fashion loving peacocks in that group & then joined a group my friend created called the Ballgown Blitz. The group was ALL about overdressing & going out out dressed for the opera or a ball to do anything, from bowling & karaoke to swishing around in rooms filled with giant balloons or going on Pirate walks. I can honestly say I had no idea what I was missing, what my lack of confidence & shying away from the spotlight had stopped me enjoying. I finally started flexing my creative brain to make myself look beautiful, showing myself the love & care I’d only ever given to other women. Now I have alot of full length dresses hanging on the outside of my wardrobe, that fit me like a glove. Gorgeous prints, colour, a pink tulle ballgown! A black snake effect velvet, corseted gown with three sleeve/strap options that I have worn to the V&A museum to celebrate the Met Gala, to a Punkerella themed day at Gods Own Junkyard, to a Bridgerton evening at Greenwich & next month it will be styled with wings & a head-dress to become a Valkyrie for the afternoon at a wonderfully gothic bar.

I am finally at 52, living my best life & turning heads in the street & there are days when strangers will touch my arm as they pass to tell me they love my hair, my make-up, my dress….. or call to me across an escalator or run up to me in the street. My style is a conversation starter on the train ride into town, on the Underground, in coffee shops & bars & it happens to all the ‘Ballgowners’ especially when we are in groups! And I will tell you dressing up / dopamine dressing is the most fabulous high & something I think EVERY WOMAN deserves & needs to experience at least once & especially on their Wedding Day.

So if I, as a 52 year old, size 26 can turn heads in the street… I promise, together, we can do the same for you.

My own adventures, gadding about London with Ballgown Blitz, can be found on Instagram: Offdutydesigner